Before I met Wyatt, I was Bumbling hard for about a year. It was exhausting, interesting, depressing, exciting, but most of all hilarious. For all the single ladies out there Bumbling hard, just know that what could seem like horrible experiences, can sometimes be softened by these two thoughts: when you’re 80, you’ll reflect on this time and think, “Those were the days…” and this, like everything in life, is temporary. Might as well laugh about it while you can. Here are some of my favorite journal entries about my Bumble experiences.
How to Spot Red Flags on a First Date
I’m eating sushi with an unmemorable guy. I tell him that sushi is my favorite food. Despite the fact that he took me to sushi, he says he actually hates it. He then says “all meat tastes the same to me.” Cool.
How to Hack Bumble Dating Code
Normally, none of the following questions suck. For some reason, in the seemingly scripted land of Bumble all of them are cringe worthy.
“What do you do for fun?”
“How long have you been in Colorado?”
“Do you ski or board?”
How many fourteeners have you climbed?
How to Avoid “Cross-Pollinating”
Me to my girlfriend.
Me: “I met this guy, an engineer from Michigan.”
Friend: “Oh yeah? What’s his name?”
Friend: “Hmm…what’s his last name?”
Since he’s one of six “Matt Bumble” in your phone and getting last names is strictly forbidden, you compare phone numbers. It is indeed, the same “Matt Bumble.”
Moral of the story, if you live within five miles of your best friend and her Bumble radius is the same as yours, you can guarantee that your Bumble game is overlapping. Just how much is what really matters.
How to Spot Guys Named Chad
When you walk into a bar in Denver looking for a tall, bearded white guy who tells you he’s “wearing a plaid button down” and you walk up to at least two other people.
“No, sorry, not Chad.”
Walk away, think to yourself, “Hopefully that was the last time I ever have to ask a random lumbersexual if his name in Chad.”
In a world full of Chads, I’m just looking for the Waldo.
Bumble Life Lessons
Believe it or not, this story ends less depressing than you might think.
After very apathetically dating a Bumble dude for a couple of months, I was on the brink of total psychological, romantic, and emotional exhaustion. I knew this guy was not “the one” and all of my friends told me so very candidly (thanks, Casey).
One night one on what I told myself would be our last date, we went out to sushi with his friends. Wyatt sat directly across from me. We talked about real estate (hot, I know).
I approached that night like I was meeting a friend of a friend of a guy I was planning on never seeing again. Nothing to win, nothing to lose.
Three months after I broke it off with Bumble dude, Wyatt and I both got back on Bumble for one last shot.
Now I’m just trying to be more open knowing that monumental moments (good band name) can happen anytime.
It’s that time of the year, when weekends are 50% skiing, 50% recovering from skiing. Most Friday evenings in our house are a discussion on where we should go, what time we should go and how to avoid shitty I-70 traffic (we never do). Yesterday we made the call to go to one of our favorite semi-local mountains, Winter Park Resort. Winter Park and Mary Jane have incredible terrain and are only about 1.5 hours from Boulder (without traffic). It’s also free of the big resort bullshit like paying for parking and then having to take a shuttle to the lift. I’m all about ski in, ski out, no bullshit mountains. If I wanted to go to Disney World, I’d be in Florida (read hell).
Wyatt and I are not the type to wake up at 5:00 AM to get the first chair up the “freshies,” the proverbial “pow-pow.” So we roll up there at around 10:45 AM. No matter what, I always leave myself about an hour before we head out to pack my “essential” white girl shit.
1. Pre-Ski & Après-Ski Tea
Over the past couple of months, I stopped drinking coffee daily. I stopped out of necessity when I got the flu, but then I just wanted to see how gnarly my withdraw headaches would get before I wanted to throw myself off a cliff. Shockingly, I quit my daily morning cup cold-turkey without having to start WWIII at 2:00 PM while blowing massive doses of Advil to get me through the day.
Now, I’m all about that tea. Conveniently, we live across the street from the Celestial Seasonings Factory which is glorious for my new-found tea obsession, but also because it permeates the air with a combination of honey, chamomile and pumpkin-spice smells. I swear, it’s the closest thing to heaven on earth. As an aside, they do free tours, tea tastings and the tea boxes are $2.00 each. But I digress.
My go to for pre-ski and apre-ski tea is a no brainer. Celestial Seasonings’ Honey Chamomile tea is the jam. Here’s how to do it:
Typically, I use my Kleen Kanteen for my après-ski tea since its better insulated.
I promise that after crushing the gnar in arctic temperatures, and schlepping around like the Michelin Man in all of your ski gear, drinking a piping hot, sweet, delicious cup of tea will make your day. (Make one for your partner too or I guarantee they will drink yours).2
2. Après-Ski Snacks
I’m a huge fan of eating a hearty breakfast before skiing. Typically, we make scrambled eggs, black beans, avocado and toast, which always think will hold us until dinner. But, much to my dismay, every damn time – it doesn’t. I always wrap up the last few runs of the day thinking about all of the delicious food stuff and drink stuff I want to consume immediately. But, as previously mentioned there is always the likelihood that you along with all of the other white people in the state of Colorado will be sitting together on I-70 while you dream of the burgers that await you. If you get hangry like I do, you’ll need to bring some après-ski snacks to hold you over until burger time. I always pack:
Whole Foods 365 brand resealable bag of roasted, unsalted cashews – delicious fatty treats
No matter how cute you want to look after getting off of a day on the slopes, I bet you will have wicked helmet hair, goggle lines and wind burn. Just embrace it, no one looks cute after skiing. BUT, that’s why the gods made beanies – to keep your head warm and cover up your nasty, dready, post-ski hair. This is especially crucial if you plan on being in public after you take your helmet off. It is customary for Colorado white people to want to “grab a beer” or a “bite” after skiing, so you’ll want to be prepared for it. My favorite beanies are from LL Bean (I know. So white).
For all the same reasons and because no matter what you think, snow is bright as fuck – bring your sunglasses. There will be no point in time while you’re in the mountains that your eyes will want to be uncovered. If they are, it will feel like they are burning out of your head – plus, it’s crows-feet central. My go-to for sunglasses is Zeal Optics in Boulder. They’re local and always willing to fix or replace the sunnies that “accidentally broke” (read, you sat on them).
As a cannabis industry professional, I like to think I know a thing or two about what, when and how to consume cannabis. For skiing or other (white person) outdoor activities, get yourself an “Relax” Lucid Mood pen. They’re about $30 depending on the dispensary you get them in, but I would recommend The Giving Tree in Denver. What’s great about these pens is that they’re super portable, last a long time, taste delicious and offer a functional, relaxed, happy high. Plus, you can just pull them out and puff on the chair lift instead of having to pack a messy bowl or even worse, light a joint. Warning, the “Relax” flavor tastes like your vaping lavender essential oil, so if that’s not your jam, I’d suggest trying the “Chill” or “Energy” kind5. Chapstick, Hand Cream, Packable Water Bottle
5. Chapstick, Hand Cream, Packable Water Bottle
A day in Colorado without chapstick is a day that you might not survive. I say this kind of jokingly, but mostly serious. YOU NEED CHAPSTICK WHEN YOU SKI. My favorite is from Whole Foods (shocker) called Soothing Touch Vanilla Rose Lip Balm. Even better, it’s “85% organic” (for real, what’s the point of that claim?) Your ski coat will have a thousand secret pockets, make sure this is in at least one of them.
Similarly, your cuticles and hands will dry out like a prune after being washed, exposed and cold as fuck all day. I’m loving Trader Joe‘s Ultra Moisturizing Hand Cream and have a tube in my purse, my office, next to my bed side and right here in front of my face. It’s everywhere.
Lastly, one of my favorite additions to my ski stuff repertoire has been a HydraPak packable water bottle. Especially if you plan to do some high skiing, you’re going to get cotton mouth and want to stab a baby for some water. This thing is small enough that I can fit it in my jacket pocket, but big enough to last me a full day of skiing. As a bonus, it also is fun to play with and feels like a fake boob when full.
After skiing at Winter Park/Mary Jane, you MUST stop at The Dairy King in Empire on the way home (you’re going to sit in traffic anyway) and get a large sweet potato fry, bison burger, and a cup of vanilla soft serve. Be aware, they are cash only, but everything is really cheap. This place is a Rocky Mountain American classic and the experience will be nothing less.